Rooms Full of Elementary School Junkies

Addiction stayed on tight as a glove

Do you know what a ditto machine is?

Well, settle down children and I’ll tell you a story.

Teachers wrote or typed quizzes/handouts onto paper that had purple carbon attached. The purple carbon reproduced the first page’s contents backwards onto a second page, in mirror effect. This paper ‘set’ was called a “ditto.”

This ditto would be attached to–what else?–a ditto machine, which was dominated by a rotating barrel. Then you attached the ditto to the barrel and cranked it repeatedly. The machine fed paper under the ditto, making a purple ink copy of the quiz or handout. Yes, it was a stone age Xerox machine. Ditto machines later ran automatically, sans cranking.

In the beginning, teachers did everything themselves on the fly, usually before or after school. Eventually, a school clerical was handed this ridiculously boring task, so dittos could run throughout the day. The machines were notoriously pissy–one small rip in the ditto and eventually, 40 sheets was aborted and the teacher started over. Similarly, if a crease developed, all copies were half-printed. Finally, once automatic machines were birthed, blank paper feeders malfunctioned. This meant that the teacher picked up what looked like a set of 30 copies, only to find 10 were blank or printed incorrectly.

Many times throughout elementary school, one or more kids raised their hands and show a blank page or an unreadable mess.

Now–drum roll–the fun.

New Ditto copies smelled incredible. It was like ink sprinkled with flowers. Especially if the papers were damp. Nearest thing to manufactured nirvana. Teacher hands out the papers, and the room was filled with a symphony of inhaling noses on steroids. Sighs of pure spiritual ecstasy were heard six blocks away. Can you imagine a teacher beholding a group of ten-year olds huffing and moaning like a group of Studio 54 cokeheads in a men’s room?

Eventually, you learned to get your high discreetly or risk a principal’s office visit. By junior high, teachers wised up and made sure handouts/quizzes had time to dry before usage.

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